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| Shopping around isn't the best when it's your boyfriend shopping around for a new girlfriend. Oh wait, we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore? Oh yeah. You sure had me fooled for a millisecond.
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I forgot - I trust him completely. (???) It's funny how my mind stops spewwing lies at me after a cigarette... I told him about the dream I had, I hope it isn't going to happen, or hasn't already happened. [ I doubt it hasn't.] I annoy the fuck out of him with these things. It's not easy. He just has to ignore guilt. NOT HARD. Me? I have to put up with the fact that... I don't even know how to say it... it's all very black and white. I remember, I feel ugly, I'm sad, then he's mad at me. I just want to forget it ever happened. PLEASE GOD??? (wait, who? )
If I prayed for anything, it would be for the courage to keep going.
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| I can't say it is. I am in love and yet I am not allowed to be happy in it. I always end up in one sided relationships... I am very much more loving than everyone else in the world. I always take boys seriously. Unfortunately this always leads me down the primrose path - the same one that leads to my demise
He's worth dying for. I've told him that before and it just made him cry. I swear I don't do a thing the right way, but I have no idea what that way is...
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM
I thought I had promised to never leave... did I up and forget that temporarily? What's wrong with my brain? Why did I think leaving would make the fact that I miss having someone wish to be the closest to my heart feel any less lonely and painful? Is it because I had given up? I think so. I am not someone to give up so easily, so why did I do it? Now he's so much farther away I feel like I'll never love anyone again.
...ness is the word for my life. The antithesis of what I want to create in the world.
1. I am a NICE GIRL.
2. I am not manipulative, not even in the very remote corners of my mind.
3. I am insanely paranoid. It interrupts my life and confuses me into insanity.
4. I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
5. I want to not mess up at all, ever, I don't know why things happen sometimes, when I am mean it's like I can't remember how horrible I was... there's just black in my memory. Then I have to deal with how horrible the things that I didn't want to happen in the first place, (but somehow did) are... and try and remedy them but only make myself feel worse. I do things all the time I don't mean to... I know that I'm going crazy because of the black spots. It's so confusing I hate it. It's more stressful than love, and it certainly adds to that part of my life not working at all. I have no idea how to fix it. It's like some sort of evil that takes over me and I have no control over it. I have no idea how things happen then all of a sudden it's like I wake up from a deep sleep and I have a mess all over my hands. The worst part is - you can't plead temporary insanity to your friends and loved ones.
I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
I fuck up more than daily. I fuck up every minute.
This is my favorite song:
Why do robins sing in December?
Long before the Springtime is due?
And even though it's snowing, violets are growing
I Know Why and so do you
Why do breezes sigh ev'ry ev'ning
Whispering your name as they do?
And why have I the feeling stars are on my ceiling?
I Know Why and so do you
When you smile at me
I hear gypsy violins
When you dance with me
I'm in heaven when the music begins
I can see the sun when it's raining
Hiding ev'ry cloud from my view
And why do I see rainbows when you're in my arms?
I Know Why and so do you
I Know Why and so do you
How can I be so full of love and be so uncontrollably evil at the same time? I'm not a dark person, I feel like it's not me doing these awful things, they're situations I don't want to be in, I can't remember how they came about, and I don't know how to fix them!
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| Hey, I want these - http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4356127&CAWELAID=592051717
I love/hate christmas, it's so strange to me! It's like, I love the idea of happiness and love and peace that this time of year can bring to a home... but I guess I just never feel completely apart of that anywhere... xmas reminds me of how much I like being alone haha <3 not belonging to a certain place is so appealing to me. Just tonight at work, I was talking to a man about real estate and he was describing how it was so much better to rent an apartment vs. buying a home haha... now IDK about that but I like the idea of being able to pick up and scat anytime that I feel like it.
OKLAHOMA on MONDAY
My fav. musical, who knew that I'd be living there someday... I'm still kind of BLAH about that but I'm sure when I'm there and I love it that I'll be much happier :3 <3
Disneyland - ^^^ ;3
xoxo - <3
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| Loving me is like chewing pearls.
I keep getting let down, but I still keep getting my hopes up about everything nonetheless. I guess that's a really good thing, but it makes for a lot of hurt... especially when I pin my hopes on unrealistic things that I want and expect to happen with my friends, or people... and that hurts the most!
Can't sleep with the man that dims my shine.
Also, apparently no one has figured out that I tear myself up screwing up 10,000 x more than anyone else does, that's why I lack the need to show... remorse? -to others - also, what, are they expecting it? I'm not going to say "I'm sorry" to you if I dissappointed you, pshhh... just to make you feel better? Nuh-uh.
Loving me is like straightening curls.
xoxo - ;3 <3
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